The Fishington Cheesington Post

The International Criminal Court ordered the arrest of Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi Monday, citing attacks on his own citizens and other crimes against humanity.

Deputy Barney Fife - In Charge of Bringing Gaddafi to Justice

Deputy Barney Fife of Maryberry, NC has been charged with apprehending the suspect.

“Now the way I figure it, see–my plan is to mosey on over to Tripoli, to his hideout.  I’ll send Goober in as a decoy, maybe to offer to rotate his tires or something.

Goober - Mayberry's Finest Mechanic

Then, while he’s occupied I’ll sneak around the back and get ‘im!”

“Only problem is: Andy will only let me carry one bullet at a time, on account of the time I accidentally shot Floyd the Barber in the buttock.”

Floyd the Barber

“I’ll never live that one down.  I could of sworn he looked like a suspicious feller I seen casing out the bank.”

“Anyway, that Gaddafi hasn’t got a chance.  Not while Barney Fife is on the case!”

Raj Rajaratnam - Guilty of Insider Naming

Raj Rajaratnam, head of the hedge fund Galleon Group was found guilty of conspiracy, securities fraud and having a first name that’s a subset of his last name.

“Maybe this will send a message to inside traders and to people who have these weird last names,” said Judge Harold Faustner from in chambers in Manhattan’s federal court.

“Not many people know there are still laws on the books about having this kind of name.  It started out with lthe influx of Swedes back in the late 1800s.  Sven Svenson, Eric Ericson…How do you know if those people are coming or going?

“His name isn’t in the same category as  Sirhan Sirhan or even Boutros Boutros Ghali.  But the law’s the law and we have to enforce it.”

Rajaratnam faces 20 years in prison.  His sentence may be reduced for good behavior or if he is willing to change his name to something more  “American.”