Mac and PC Announce Same-Sex Wedding

Posted on May 23, 2011 by troutboy
Mac and PC Discuss Their Wedding

Mac and PC: A Match Made in Heaven?

 

This afternoon Mac and PC stunned techno geeks everywhere by announcing they will be wed on June 11th of this year.

“We’re ecstatic!” proclaimed Mac from Apple headquarters in Cupertino, California.

“Can’t wait!” PC chimed in, playfully punching Mac in the shoulder.

“Funny thing is, we’ve been working side by side for so long and we never realized how much we cared for each other.”

“That’s right,”  Added Mac  “Turns out, all that animosity, all that rivalry turned out to be nothing more than unresolved sexual tension.”

“Um, Mac, I don’t think we need to go into that…”

“PC, don’t be so uptight!”

Wedding Cake with Apple and Microsoft Logos

The Cake to Celebrate the Ultimate PC and Mac Merger reportedly cost $4.5 Million

The location for the nutpials  remains uncertain due to the fact that sex-sex marriages are currently not allowed in California or Washington, the home states of Apple and Microsoft, respectively.

“PC here wanted to have the wedding in Massachusetts,” Mac noted,  “But I thought that was too safe and boring.”

“You know Mac, he’s the hip, edgy one.” said PC.  “He wanted to have it in New Jersey, because it’s more of a battleground state when it comes to recognizing the rights of same-sex couples.”

“In the end we chose Iowa, because there’s a lot of space there.  We’ve got nearly 500,000 guests on my  side.  And 400,000 on PC’s.  Because some of his friends and family decided to boycott.”

“Hey, Mac!  Lighten up.  It was a big shock to them, me being so straight-laced and all.  No offense, but, well, everyone just kind of assumed with you.”

Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and former President Bill Clinton are expected to attend.  Lady Gaga and RuPaul will perform live at the reception.

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Rapture Preacher: God Talking With Mouth Full

Posted on May 22, 2011 by troutboy
Harold Camping the Rapture Preacher holds a Bible

Harold Camping the Rapture Preacher: "God was talking with his mouth full"

 

Harold Camping, the Christian radio broadcaster who predicted the world would end on May 21, 2011 admitted sheepishly from his California radio studio that he had been wrong about the date, but insisted it was only because God had been eating a peanut butter sandwich at the time.

“When God spoke to me, I thought he said the rapture would come on May 21, 2011, but only later did I realize he said May 21, 2057.  The Lord was difficult to understand, and it sounded like he was eating a peanut butter sandwich.  I wanted to hear him more clearly, but what was I supposed to do?  Ask the Most High to drink a glass of milk?  Ask the Creator to spit out the sandwich?”

“That  would have been entirely inappropriate.”

Camping, although embarrassed by his inaccurate prediction, says he is cheered by the additional time his ministry will have to prepare for the real rapture.

“To be honest, I’m a bit embarrassed at how amateurish our website looks.  I put it together myself, but I’d like to maybe hire a graphic designer to make it look slicker.”

“And I’m re-evaluating some of my views on the bible.  Take polygamy for one.  I’m thinking I’m going to need some wives in the coming days.  And a compound.  Definitely a compound.”

 

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Health Care Plan to Cover Scanning Cats as Well as CAT scans

Posted on May 20, 2011 by troutboy
Cat on Scanner

Health Care Plan to Cover Scanning Cats

 

Conservative think-tank The Heritage Foundation is up in arms about a little-known provision in
the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (or Obamacare as it is prejoritavely called) to cover scanning cats as well as CAT scans.

Tucked in to the text of the massive law is sub-section SEC. 5509.

  COVERAGE FOR SCANNING OF FELINE INDIVIDUALS
            IN VETERINARY CLINICS.

    ``(a) Coverage.--
            ``(1) In general.--If a group health plan or a health
        insurance issuer offering group or individual health insurance
        coverage provides coverage to a qualified individual, then such
        plan or issuer--

                    ``(A) Must also provide for the scanning of feline-Americans (otherwise known as cats)
 for purposes of diagnostic tests.  No discrimination will be allow with regard to variety or color of feline-American.

 

“Now I love cats as much as the next guy. But things have gotten out of hand here.” Heritage Foundation spokesman Allan Atterson argued at a recent “Common Sense in Health Care” Luncheon in D.C.

“Everyone knows the U.S. has the finest veterinary services in the world. Pretty soon we’ll have tractor-trailer loads of “gatos” coming over the boarder to get these scans. There won’t be room to hold all of them.”

Democrat Dennis Kucinich also opposes implementation of Sec. 5509 but for different reasons:

“If we put the kind of money that we lavish on our pets into helping human beings, we would be able to provide more health care for actual people. Besides, how do you hold down a cat to scan it without getting scratched? That hasn’t been addressed by Democrats or Republicans!

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Kevorkian: Do Everything to Keep Me Alive, Damn It!

Posted on May 19, 2011 by troutboy
Jack Kevorkian

Jack Kevorkian, Dr. Death, Turns Chicken

 

Jack “Dr. Death” Kevorkian, the assisted suicide advocate has been hospitalized with pneumonia and kidney problems.

In an apparent change of heart, the 82-year-old doctor announced that he wanted doctors to take every possible measure to keep him alive.

“I don’t care if I have to suffer a long, lingering, painful death.  I don’t care if the doctors have to use all the equipment they have.  I don’t care if I single-handedly use up all the money in Obamacare.  Keep me alive, damn it!”

Although he was barely able to lift his head off his pillow, Kevorkian pointed to the machines next to his bed to make his wishes clear.

“And don’t try anything funny with those machines.”

Dr. Kevorkians's Hospital IV and Monitors

The Machines Keeping Dr. Death Alive

“I’ve seen this young nurses and doctors eyeing them, snickering.”

“Let’s give Doctor Death a taste of his own medicine.”

“Well, I’m not having anything of it.  In fact, take this pillow.  I’ve used pillows to suffocate lots of–I mean, I’ve heard that people do that to old people sometimes.”

“Hey, that beeping sound, is that normal?  I have no idea what these things do.  I only know how to use machines to kill people, not keep them alive!”

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Jesus Flips off the Faithful, Calls off Rapture

Posted on May 18, 2011 by Doctor Tony

Who’s #1? I’m #1. Why? Because I’m Jesus.

 

Jesus Christ, son of God, he who died for your sins has just called off the rapture tentatively scheduled for May 21st. A mysterious tweet on Twitter appeared today which immediately vanished after being read by the faithful. Independent confirmation is difficult but those who received the immaculate tweet with the hashtag #Suckers uniformly stated that the message was clear.


Reverend Billy Bob Prentice of the First Church of the Avuncular Atavist from Birmingham, Alabama was interviewed by Fox News today and tearfully proclaimed,

“Christ Jesus has spoken. This is no hoax. I know this for a fact since I saw it on Twitter. Our saviour has stated that the time is not nigh for the rapture. He will keep us informed using the latest social media as this is now his favorite means of communication. My family is devastated. My wife Chlorine and sons Jimmy Bob, Tommy Bob, Bobby Bob and Shiska Bob will be attending a church picnic this Saturday. Praise Jesus”

Other observers have stated that the tweet from Jesus or more accurately, Jam Jesus C-Note Kracker Wack, as the saviour formerly known as Jesus has requested he now be referred to since his conversion to the obscure Christian hip-hop sect, was direct and harsh and slightly confrontational.

A loose transcription of the tweet posted on JerksforJesus.com reads as follows.

“Yo shout out to the masses of asses. Jam Jesus C-Note Kracker Wack representing from the high side.  It’s real simple. The muthafuckin’ rapture is off. Got it? Last time I hung with you muthafuckers you nailed my ass to a cross. Yo! Fuck that shit! Now some sorry ass nigga has decided to give ya’ll a one way ticket to Paradise. I don’t think so.

 

I said, Hey! You! Get off of my cloud
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud
Don’t hang around ’cause two’s a crowd
On my cloud

And to all my homies who intend to loot the homes of the fools who think they’re getting raptured, well I call dibbs on all the midget porn. Can’t find much of that up here on cloud 9.”

 

 

 

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