Jammer Lulu Lockjaw, Santa Cruz Derby Girls
(photo by Joe Rollerfan)
Roller derby is the fastest growing sport in the world for young women. The first team to play the modern or flat track style was the Texas Rollergirls in 2003. Today, there are almost 800 amateur derby leagues spread over 8 continents.
Every sport has it’s ranking systems. These systems allow a relative order to be established and sometimes use complex logarithms(math) to arrive at retrodictions (predictions about the past) to establish a pecking order. Many objective and subjective criteria can be added to the equation that eventually will establish a relative ordinal ranking. If you’re totally confused by the previous 3 sentences, so am I. Too many words. Too many syllables. Too much to process.
In the sport of roller derby, there are many ranking systems. There is Flat Track Stats, the DNN Power Rankings, Dyte Rankings, All-Knowing Derbytron and the WFTDA rankings. These are for skaters, refs and people who have sold their souls to derby. And math nerds.
Most of the people at any derby “bout†are fans. They are the families of skaters, friends, people who are sleeping with the skaters or have thought about sleeping with the skaters (which is just about everybody), curious sports fans, women in comfortable shoes, hipsters, and stalkers. These fans know little about the strategy or intricacies of the sport itself. They show up, entertain themselves and wonder about only one thing other than where the rest room is: Who The F*%K Is #1? So that’s what I will title my ranking system. WTFI#1
1) Montreal They’re French and I have a weakness for svelte French girls. And everyone loves Montreal. I may be a pig but I’m not going against this juggernaut.
2) Big Easy (N’awlins) They’re also French and they have an annual event, Running of the Bulls, where they skate down Bourbon Street and spank their fans as the fans pretend to escape. Now THIS is how you build a fan base, people. Some teams are obsessed with winning, professionalism, high production values and using their real names. Big Easy knows how to put bodies in the stands. Smack your fans on the ass and they’ll come crawling back begging for more.
This looks like more fun than visiting my favorite website, SpankMe.com
3) Boston I’m from Boston which makes me a Masshole. I’m going for the home team, this is my friggin‘ ranking system so Boston is #3, goddammit
4) Windy City Val Capone is from Chicago and she hates Journey even more than I do.
Val Capone says, “Journey Sucks!” Are you gonna argue with her? I think not
(photo by Liz Henry, from Flickr)
5) Madison My ranking system is infallible. It uses The Columbia Supercomputer at NASA’s Advanced Supercomputing Facility at Ames Research Center . Legions of database engineers and Super Geeks conspire to create advanced algorithms that will reshape the derby ranking system. The data used : Montreal beat Rat City, Rat beat Philly, Philly beat Steel City, Steel City beat Nashville, Nashville lost to Oly, Oly beat Rocky then lost to Rocky twice, Rocky beat Gotham, Philly lost to Rose and Gotham but beat Madison which results in Madison at #5. The engineers surmise that the super computer began developing human feelings towards tall blonde Amazon warrior Milk Maids from the Midwest or perhaps just went with the last team entered in the equation. Either way, the algorithm needs to be tweaked.
MILK MAIDS? This young derby fan just learned the hard way, they might look like they serve milk, but they don’t.
6) Rat City I drink lots of coffee. Thick, black, sludge-like rocket fuel that makes my heart explode. In fact, I’m writing this after drinking my version of an Irish coffee car bomb. I brew triple strength coffee in a 20 oz pint glass and drop in a quadruple shot of espresso. This is how I start my day, every day. I drink these nonstop until dead relatives beckon or my heart explodes. Usually the latter. Coffee was invented in Seattle, I think, so Rat is #6
7) West Jesus Immaculate Contraptions It’s been said that Jesus died for our sins but personally, I think he jumped ship ’cause he was bored with professional sports. God loves roller derby and West Jesus is God’s team.
Jam Jesus C-Note Kracker Wack: The new head referee for the West Jesus Immaculate Contraptions
8) Jet City I once lived in Everett, Washington before some unfortunate misunderstandings with law enforcement personnel led to multiple incarcerations. Jets are cool and I always wanted to be a fighter pilot but I flunked the test so was forced to work on computers and as a greeter at Wal-Mart.
I designed my WalMart uniform myself. It was a big hit in the unemployment line.
STAY TUNED FOR PART 2
