Republicans: Why Fix the Roads When We’re Gonna Be Chasing Each Other Across the Desert in a “Mad Max”-Like Apocalyptic Nightmare?

John Boehner as a character from the movie Mad Max

Why build roads? We'll have more fun chasing each other across a post-apocalypic desert than we will rebuilding America's infrastructure.

(Washington, D.C.) Republicans have successfully blocked President Obama’s American Jobs Act, which included provisions for rebuilding the country’s infrastructure.

According to Speaker of the House John Boehner, “…it’s not necessary anyway. Pretty soon we’re not going to need any roads because the whole economy’s going to collapse. I’m wearing this cool gear and I’ve got a soup-ed up and heavily armored Camaro out behind the Capitol building.”

Car from Mad Max with guns

"Get out of my way Dems or I'll blast you!"

“Instead of spending government money on frivilous things like roads and bridges, we want to drill, baby, drill so we have enough gas to run these bad boys as fast as we can go across the desert. To escape the lizard people from the tenth dimension or the Chinese or anyone else that actually builds things.”

Posted in Troutboy's Blog | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

African Refugees Sympathize with Suburbanites Who Suffered Through Early Snow

(Addis Abbaba, Ethiopia)

Tents in Somali refugee camp

Dalmar Bahdoon, a 27 year old Somali man, wiped his brow as he waiting in line for a bowl of gruel at one of many Ethiopian refugee camps that have opened up due to the extreme drought and violence affecting this part of Africa.

“We have heard about the terrible weather in the Northeast part of America, how the snow came so early.”

“We felt sorry that many people had to wait longer for a train or get stuck in traffic for an hour. Some of them did even get home in time to watch the favorite television show ‘How I Met Your Mother’. It reminds me of the time when my son ran off and by the time I found him I missed out on the chance to get gruel for that day.”

“Some of them I hear did not have time for a proper breakfast. Proper breakfast is important. That’s why I’m waiting in line four hours, for gruel.”

Man carrying tray of coffee in snowstorm

"It's a testament to what the human spirit can endure"

“Many of the Halloween parties were cancelled because of early snow. Little children will not taste mini Twizzlers or Kit Kats for a day or two. I understand the disappointment. I would wish for my young son to go tent to tent and receive in his bowl, even if it were only more gruel.”

“So sad that they had to take alternate routes to work, take crowded buses or carpool. We here have also had travel nightmares: walking miles through hostile territory, being beaten, having our gruel taken away…”

“They have too much precipitation coming down and we have too little. The only bright spot is that Global Warming means none of us will be around too much longer to worry about it.”

Posted in Troutboy's Blog | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

53 Percenters Agree: Be Glad You’re Still Above the Poverty Line

Right-wing blogger Erick Erickson holding sign - "I work 3 jobs, etc."

I'm a paid commentator on CNN. I have a radio gig. I have two houses. I'm not an average Joe.

Hi, I’m Erick Erickson, founder of Redstate.org and the “We are the 53 Percent” movement.

I’m a paid commentator on CNN.
I have a radio gig.
I have two houses.
I’m an average Joe.

Look, I’m tired of people pointing out that 1% of Americans take in 25% of income and have 40% of the wealth. Waah waah waah. Too bad. Inherit some money or get a CEO job, you lazy bastards.

And I got really mad when I found out from the Tax Policy Center that 47% of Americans don’t even pay any income tax!

So what if 90% of them earn less than $30,000?

Tax credits made non-taxable

Why should I pay taxes to help the poor and elderly? Let them eat cake! They no longer have a piece of the pie...

I’m hopping mad that these poor people and seniors want to have free ride!

Old poor woman picking through trash

"I'm skippin' out on payin' taxes -- hey Herman Cain, what's 9 percent of a plastic bag?"

I’m so fired up, I’d occupy a park over this. That is, if it was a park in a nice suburban neighborhood with no minorities or poor people in it.

Posted in Troutboy's Blog | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Drunk Frenchmen Cause Courthouse Security Scare

drunk guys in sombreros running down hallway

Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay! We'll break into your courthouse!

(San Antonio, Texas) Five Arab-looking guys caused a security alarm when they broke into the Bexar County Courthouse wearing sombreros.

The five men, later identified as French citizens visiting on visas, started running around and at one point grabbed a gavel and pretended to be judges.

Tortilla Machine

In the Middle Ages Torquemada had the rack. now the CIA has brought it back.

They were taken to an undisclosed country by private plane and subjected to “enhanced interrogation techniques,” which included the “Mexican hot sauce torture,” putting tortilla chips under their toenails, and pulling their scrotums over their heads using a tortilla machine.

The Frenchmen were forced to admit they were responsible for the break-in and that Frenchmen were snotty and annoying in general.

Posted in Weird News | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Obama Admits “I’m Sending Military Advisors to Uganda to Protect the Oil”

President Obama Speaking

"We have a duty to protect our Black Gold--oops, Black brothers!"

(Washington, D.C.) President Obama said in a letter to Congress on Friday that he has authorized the deployment of 100 U.S. special forces to Uganda.

But in what has been seen as a major gaffe, the President mistakenly sent the first draft of his letter, which has been leaked to Fish and Cheese.

We present it here in its entirety:

I’m Sending Military Advisors to Uganda to Protect the Oil

As you guys all know, we only have a couple thousand gallons of oil left in this country. And Uganda’s got what? A couple billion? That’s why we need so desperately to get in there. Before China or somebody else does.

Uganda terrorist leader Joseph Kory

Uganda terrorist leader Joseph Kory

Of course those Lord’s Army terrorist guys in Uganda that we’ll be going after are horrible vicious thugs. But let’s face it, there have been a lot of places where atrocities have been carried out all over the world where we haven’t even sent in one guy.

If it’s some place with a bunch of starving folks in the desert, nobody’s going to care because it doesn’t serve America’s interests.

Plus, it’s time to find a new “evil monster” out there so we can keep everybody from paying attention to how fucked up things are at home. You guys can do all the usual “rally around the flag” stuff and I’ll wag the dog. You pick up some points in the polls and maybe I’ll get another Nobel Peace Prize or something.

So let’s do the usual: you complain about me overstepping my authority, then we can wait for one of our guys to get killed so we can send in more troops.

Vietnam Military Advisot

"Goooooooood Morning Vietnam!"

John F. Kennedy

John F. Kennedy

I’m going to be just like Kennedy in Vietnam in the early days. Except I don’t want to get shot later. That would suck. Big time.

Posted in Troutboy's Blog | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment