Greedy Pigs of Wall Street Suckled by Capitalist Running Dog!
(Washington, D.C.) Donald Trump’s first day as President got off to a slow start when “The Donald” had trouble reading Vladimir Putin’s handwritten instructions.
“What the hell is this?” he was heard to mutter.  “He couldn’t just send me tweets. I like tweets. Or if he could just have his people call me with instructions just like they’ve doing. Jeez.”
Vice President Mike Pence seemed nervous at first when President Trump initially complained to him about having to read a lot of “stuff in Russian” but Trump was able to get through the directives on domestic and foreign policy after gentle reminders to “sound it out”.
(Pyongyang, North Korea) Rogue state North Korea admitted today of a “secret crush” on its long time adversary, the United States.
“Yes, it’s true,” It said, hanging its head. I could never it admit it before, even to myself. But my feelings are too great.”
“It’s like sooo obvious,” said close friend and neighbor, China. “Everybody knows it. North Korea keeps pretending to be like ‘I hate the U.S., the U.S., I’m going to bomb them’ but I saw it the other day, it kept Googling everything about it, checking out its Facebook page and tweets…c’mon!”
North Korea’s Manhood Rises
“I know, right?” chimed in South Korea. “Any time a country says they hate another country that much, you know it’s secretly got the hots for it. And the fact that it’s not supposed to like [the U.S.] makes it, like, the forbidden fruit or something. What’s with the long range missiles it’s threatening to fire at Washington? Riddle-me-that, Batman!”
Speaker of the House John Boehner points at Harry Reid and tells him “Go Fuck Yourself!”
(Washington, D.C.) It has been reported that in the middle of negotiations to avoid the “fiscial cliff,” Speaker of the House John Boehner pointed at Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and exclaimed “Go Fuck Yourself!” after Harry Reid had characterized Boehner’s House leadership as being a “dictatorship.”
The Fishington Cheesington Post only wishes this were only a joke, and not a clear indication of all the classiness that Republicans possess.
It also wishes that Reid and the Democrats were able to send a clearer message to Republican leadership.
I think this is accidental, but might have been the best response given the sincerity of the Republicans.
Later, Boehner apologized to Reid, chuckled and explained he meant no disrespect to the Senator, and that his remark was a reflection of the official Republican viewpoint that the average American should go fuck themselves.
“Bush did it to the country all those years…why shouldn’t Americans do it to themselves?
“All Smiles and Armed to the Teeth”
(Austin, TX) Expanding upon the “Guardian Program” in Wilbarger county that arms teachers, The State of Texas has now mandated training and arming all nursery school students.
“So far the program has been very successful,” Explains Wil “Wild Bill” Wilkersen, director of Texas’ newly-founded Lil’ Commandos Nursery School.
“We’ve got the NRA in here, they bring in all their literature about the proper use of firearms. Of course, our kids can’t read yet, so you have to explain the pamphlets to them. Sometimes we just use lots of pictures and songs.”
“The gun manufacturers have been very helpful too. We got some special weapons that they’ve designed for us that fit the hands of our little angels better. They’re seeing a great business opportunity here, just as we are, so it’s kind of a win-win. Except for Mister Stranger Danger,” He explained, laughing heartily.
“And the kids love the guns. Especially the boys. We just set up some cans in the back and they just blast away! Their accuracy’s not great at first, but we’re pretty confident that by the time they hit the 3s-4s they’ll mostly hit the bad guys and not the teachers…”
“Plus, they already spend so much time crawling on the ground, they make a pretty hard-to-hit target!”
