Jesus Flips off the Faithful, Calls off Rapture

Who’s #1? I’m #1. Why? Because I’m Jesus.

Jesus Christ, son of God, he who died for your sins has just called off the rapture tentatively scheduled for May 21st. A mysterious tweet on Twitter appeared today which immediately vanished after being read by the faithful. Independent confirmation is difficult but those who received the immaculate tweet with the hashtag #Suckers uniformly stated that the message was clear.

Reverend Billy Bob Prentice of the First Church of the Avuncular Atavist from Birmingham, Alabama was interviewed by Fox News today and tearfully proclaimed,

“Christ Jesus has spoken. This is no hoax. I know this for a fact since I saw it on Twitter. Our saviour has stated that the time is not nigh for the rapture. He will keep us informed using the latest social media as this is now his favorite means of communication. My family is devastated. My wife Chlorine and sons Jimmy Bob, Tommy Bob, Bobby Bob and Shiska Bob will be attending a church picnic this Saturday. Praise Jesus”

Other observers have stated that the tweet from Jesus or more accurately, Jam Jesus C-Note Kracker Wack, as the saviour formerly known as Jesus has requested he now be referred to since his conversion to the obscure Christian hip-hop sect, was direct and harsh and slightly confrontational.

A loose transcription of the tweet posted on JerksforJesus.com reads as follows.

“Yo shout out to the masses of asses. Jam Jesus C-Note Kracker Wack representing from the high side.  It’s real simple. The muthafuckin’ rapture is off. Got it? Last time I hung with you muthafuckers you nailed my ass to a cross. Yo! Fuck that shit! Now some sorry ass nigga has decided to give ya’ll a one way ticket to Paradise. I don’t think so.

I said, Hey! You! Get off of my cloud
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud
Don’t hang around ’cause two’s a crowd
On my cloud

And to all my homies who intend to loot the homes of the fools who think they’re getting raptured, well I call dibbs on all the midget porn. Can’t find much of that up here on cloud 9.”