Santorum Withdraws, But Threatens to Re-enter Any Time

Rick Santorum pointing finger

(Gettysburg, Pa) Former Senator Rick Santorum announced today he was withdrawing, but pointed out he would do so gradually, so as not to “leave a mess behind” in the U.S. Presidential race.

He also said he would remain “firm” in his conservative principles and would “reinsert” himself into the process if he felt the country needed him.

At the conclusion of his press conference, he asked the media to give his family privacy. The same privacy he does not believe homosexuals should have even in their own homes.

Posted in Political Comedy, Troutboy's Blog | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Big Oil: Climate Change Real, Caused by Gays Stirring Up Fires of Hell

Gay Devil on Gay Pride float

It's not pollution from oil and coal that's causing the earth to heat up. It's all caused by gay pride.

(Houston, TX)

Executives of major oil companies, backed by a group of snivelling scientist-like experts, announced that they had finally come to the conclusion that climate change was indeed real and caused by humans.

But unlike most Earth scientists, who believe emission of greenhouse gasses caused by emission of carbon is the culprit, the leaders of the Climate Lessons for Saving Earth Today (CLOSET) claim that the heating of the Earth is due entirely to gays “opening up the fiery pit of Hell with Sin and Fornication.”

In a statement written on the back of a Denny’s menu, chief pseudo-scientist Tom Bombadill put forth his simple theory. “God is angry. Hell is hot. Being Gay is evil. Evil people go to Hell. There’s a lot of gays because of Liberal media. Hell’s kind of backing up. Ipso Facto, Boom. Global warming.”

Hal E. Burton, chief spokesman for the Public Institute for More Petroleum (PIMP) put forth his own solution for Global Warming:

Drag Wedding

Some of these gay guys just need to meet the right gal. Then life can be Divine...

“First, hose ’em down. Give them one big cold shower to calm down their fornicating ways. Second, gather all the gays and lesbians in one place and force them to marry. Straighten them right the fuck up. Kind of like laminating two warped pieces of wood.”

“That way we can continue to make profits on oil. At least until we die in another ten years.”

Rick Santorum

Watch Out Rick! Pink Ties Make You Gay!

Posted in Troutboy's Blog | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

51% of Internet Traffic Is “Non-Human” and Most of That From Republicans

(Cyberspace)

Republican Robot

"Must. Help. Only. 1 Percent."

According to security website Incapsula, only 49% of Internet traffic is made up of actual human beings viewing web pages.

The other 51% consists of teabaggers, far-right extremists, birthers, and other Republicans posting anti-Obama, anti-Liberal and xenophobic rants.

Source

Posted in Misc Funny Stuff, Tech News, Troutboy's Blog | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Black Congressman Shot For Wearing Hoodie on House Floor

House Representative Bobby Rush Wearing a Hoodie

What's that Black man doing in our House?

(Washington, D.C.) Earlier this morning, Congressman and former Black Panther Bobby Rush was shot while wearing a “hoodie” jacket during a speech about Trayvon Martin.

Although he has served in Congress since 1993, Rush apparently was mistaken for a thief and shot by a self-appointed Republican “neighborhood watch.”

“We had no idea,” Sergeant-at-arms Dirk Diggler explained. “Who woulda thought a black guy in a hooded jacket belonged in the United States Legislature?”

The shooting took place during morning remarks. Soon after Rep. Rush began to speak about the tragic shooting of unarmed Trayvon Martin in Florida, Rep. Greg Harper, R-Mississippi, who was presiding over the House floor banged his gavel.

According to audio captured on CNN, a voice was heard calling out something that sounded like “Effing Coombs, they always get away!” and then a shot rang out on the House floor.

It could not be immediately determined if “Coombs” referred to Bobby Coombs the baseball player, Nathan Coombs, the founder of Napa, California, or Ernie Coombs, host of the long-running Canadian TV series Mr. Dressup, nor what any one of these men had to do with the shooting of Mr. Rush.

Dirty Harry shooting .357 Magnum

"Do you feel lucky, Congressman?"

After being treated for a minor flesh wound, Representative Rush was censured for violating clause 5 of rule 17 prohibits the wearing of hats in the chamber when the House is in session, and for violating clause 6 of rule 18, looking “too Black.”

Speaking off the record, a prominent Tea Party House member told Fish and Cheese, “If someone looks suspicious, it’s best to shoot first and ask questions later. That’s what I always do. In fact, during the last State of the Union address there was a suspicious looking guy up at the podium. I felt my trigger finger itch. Then I realized it was the President.”

Posted in Bad Stuff 'Bout Black Folks, Political Comedy, Troutboy's Blog | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Cheney Given Heart Transplant But Denied New Soul

Dick Cheney with hand over heart

(Heaven) Although 71-year-old former Vice-President Dick Cheney has been successful in finding a heart donor and undergoing a successful transplant after 20 months on the waiting list, God has now denied his request for a new soul.

“I just don’t think he deserves a new one,” God said yesterday, speaking from his throne in heaven.

“He lied about Saddam having weapons of mass destruction just so he could go after Iraq’s oil and make money for Halliburton, his old company.”

“I don’t think he even deserved the new heart, but that was the doctors’ call. I created Heaven and Earth, but I did give them free will. They’ll have to live with themselves,” said the Creator, shaking his head.

“But up here, what I say goes. And I’m just glad Lucifer is going to be the one dealing with that smug asshole.”

“Oh, and by the way, can you guys stop fighting over what my name is. You don’t have to call me God or Allah or Yaweh or Vishnu or whatever. In fact, just call me by my first name. Larry.”

Posted in Political Comedy, Troutboy's Blog | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment