(Wolfeboro, NH) Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney today released his plan to dominate the world.
“We took out Osama. Now Obama and Clinton are next on the list.”
“I’m following behind in the polls, but I’m still going to win. As my idol, Malcom Luther the third once said “By any means necessary.”
Surprising that someone with untold wealth would use an off-the-shelf tax preparation software rather than an accountant. But he is a fiscal conservative…
Anonymous AKA Billy’s computer
(La Jolla, CA) The Fishington Cheesington Post, with help from the Anonymous hacker group (AKA high school sophomore Billy Pemberton of Peekskill, NY), has obtained Mitt Romney’s 2010 TurboTax files stored on his computer’s hard drive.
The fact that Mr. Romney listed income from offshore bank accounts was not surprising.
But more surprising was that, despite income, interest and dividends of more than 24 Million dollars, he had an income tax refund of more than 2.9 Million.
How did he do it? Well, it seems Mitt, like many Americans, has fudged his deductions quite a bit.
Specifically, he has claimed a fictitious dependent named “Seamus.”
While Mitt Romney did give more than $400,000 to the Mormon Church, he also listed a dubious deduction of 100 dog kennels to the Salvation Army.
That’s a lot of dog kennels for a long dead dog.
Billy at this point is asking the Romney campaign to send the sum of $4,000 to his Paypal account or he will release the rest of the tax returns.
“But you know what? I’m throwing a house party next Saturday night while [next-door neighbor Jim] Holmertz’s parents are away, so if he’d buy for us we could work something out.”
(Tampa, FL) Mitt Romney laid out his environmental policy at the Republican National Convention last night when he said, “President Obama promised to slow the rise of the oceans, and heal the planet. I promise to help you and your family.”
“During my administration, we will exploit every possible natural resource we can. I know how to exploit things. I’m a good businessman.”
“Drill me, Mitt!”
“Our motto will be ‘Drill Baby, Drill. In fact, I’m appointing Sarah Palin as Energy Chief and she will go on television every day and cry out “Drill Baby Drill!” every hour on the hour. She will give each and every man woman and child a helmet and pickaxe. They will be expected to mine for coal and drill for oil all day, every day, to make sure the oil companies have enough profits–I mean we have energy independence.”
“We won’t try to heal the planet. We can’t. We’re fucked.”
“I’m just hoping the moon is really made of cheese, because I’m starving.”
“The best we can do is try to make as much money as we can, live it up until the country fries to a crisp or is covered with water, and then rocket off to Gringrich’s colony on the moon.”
“At least that’s me and the 1% plan to do. I hope the rest of you poor schmucks know how to swim.”
“These vagabond shoes…are floatin’ away….”
1) Being Clint Eastwood.
2) Being a Republican.
3) Not preparing a speech and talking to imaginary Presidents.
I think the only political analysis we can make of this interview is WTF????
