Newsflash: Cute Kitten Story Fails to Generate Anti-Obama Posts!

cute baby kitten just opening it's eyes

(cyberspace) Today, to the surprise of everyone on the Internet, an online story about a newborn kitten rescued from a well by an elderly ranching couple in Texas failed to produce any long rambling anti-Obama comments.

Fishington Cheesington was unable to find a single comparison of the kitten falling down the well to Obama’s failed economic policies. Nor were there any complaints that under Obamacare, anytime a pet fell down a well the American taxpayer would have to pay for it.

“I find it surprising that even a cute animal human-interest story would not generate hate-filled ignorant online commentary,” said Karl Kraktokevile, Professor Emeritus of Political Science from Columbia University. Usually you would expect random off-topic posts about socialism, new world order conspiracy theories and other Tea Party crack-pot stuff.”

“Even more surprising was the lack of thinly-veiled racist epithets thrown at the President, such as ‘Obumma’ ‘Obongo’ or ‘n1gg3r-in-chief'”

Nate Higgers  What more could you possibly expect from a n1gger president? Hope and Change? More like Dope and Chains. Seriously, America.....what were you thinking, electing an african into the White House....what did you think would be the outcome?

“Frankly, it’s inexplicable. I have a team of graduate students working on it and we should have a paper published at the next conference of the Political Science Society for Internet Idiocy.”

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Republicans Counting on Newly Registered Dead Voters

Zombie Voters

Must…Vote…Republican

(Tallahassee, FL) Republican operative Nathan Sproul has revealed his strategy for winning the 2012 Presidential elections: go after the young, dead voter.

His company, Strategic Allied Consulting, has been accused of fraudulent voter registration practices, including changing prospective voters’ addresses, party affiliations, and even registering dead people as voters.

“We feel like it’s an excellent strategy. Dead people tend to go Republican. They’re more conservative, they don’t have brains, and they like Romney’s stiff, unresponsive style. Plus they’re almost as easily led as Santorum or Bachmann supporters.”

“We’re hoping to raise an entire army of dead people before the election. Not only will our candidate win, but our minions will be able to eat the entire Democratic party! Not even Reagan was able to do that.”

zombies

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Samuel Jackson Sez: Join Obama and Wake the Fuck Up!

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Shittiest Movie in History Sparks WWIII

(Undisclosed Location) An anti-muslim film created by a man who calls himself “Sam Bacile” has caused riots in Libya and Egypt and is being blamed for a rocket attack that killed the U.S. Ambassador to Egypt.

Mr. Bacile’s identity is unknown. Fishington Cheesington post has been unable to find any mention of the putative real estate developer on Internet sources such as Google.com, Pipl.com or Intelius.com before the crisis unfolded.

But after reviewing the film, we understand why. It is undoubtedly the shittiest $5 million dollar film to ever start a World War.

Fishington Cheesington was able to track Bacile down for an interview.

"Sam Bacile" with black Queen-size pantyhose on his head

“Sam Bacile” agreed to the interview on condition we cover his head with a pair of Queen-sized black pantyhose. This was not for anonymity, but rather because he was “into it.”

“Look, I’m no filmmaker. I’m just an Israeli-born real estate developer who hates Muslims. Ok, the movie is shitty. Look at it. I’m sure you’re thinking your thirteen-year old nephew could do a better job. He probably could.”

“Actually, I pocketed most of the money I got from the CIA, Massad and the companies and got a college kid to shoot it for $2,000 in cash. Then I spent the rest at a Jewish deli. Did I mention I’m Israeli? And that I hate Muslims?”

Grilled Ham on Rye

“Sure a Ham on Rye isn’t Kosher, but I’m not a filmmaker and I’m not an Israeli. So there.

“Maybe I’ll use some of the money to go to film school. After all, Speilberg is Jewish. I’m not sure that he hates Muslims as much as me. Although I understand the original version of Close Encounters of a Third Kind was called Close Encounters With the Cancer That is Islam and ET was EKT for Everyone should Kill the Towelheads.”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must turn on CNN to watch the end of the world as we know it.”

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9/11: Can We Be Funny? Why Start Now?

Right after the attacks on 9/11, NYC Mayor Rudoph Giulani appeared on Saturday Night Live.

It was the only occasion that I’m away of in American television in which a popular television show had to get permission from the government to do comedy.

New York City Rudolph Giuliani appears on Saturday Night Live after September 11

Producer Lorne Michaels asked Giuliani “Can we be funny?” Giuliani replied with excellent timing, “Why start now?

It’s hard to find this clip anywhere on the Internet, but it may be on Netflix, the “deep web” or in a NSA database.

Anyway, here are two excellent Post-9/11 clips from comedians.

David Letterman’s first show after 9/11. CBS keeps taking it down so this one is subtitled in Italian

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