You Caption It – Bachmann Eats Corn Dog

Michelle Bachmann eating an enormous corndog

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Republican Solution for Social Security: Stop Young People from Getting Older

(Tampa, FL) Throughout the Republican Presidential debate sponsored by CNN and the Tea Party, the candidates differed on exactly how to save the ailing Social Security system, but they did agree on two points:

1) seniors now in the system must get the same benefits

and

2) young people not yet in the system must not be allowed to get any older.

Here are their specific “anti-aging” plans:

Michele Bachmann CNN/Tea Party Debate

Michele Bachmann: Obama is Making People Old on Purpose

Michele Bachmann: critcized “Obamacare” and its “death panels” and instead suggested instituting “Bachmanncare” with high school student serving on “termination committees”

Grandparents from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Dems: more old people = more social security supporters

Gov. Rick Perry  CNN/Tea Party Debate

"Give 'em STD shots with my magical "eternal youth" serum

Gov. Rick Perry: laid out a plan whereby twelve-year-olds would receive mandatory “everlasting youth” shots along with HPV shots.

Girl getting shot

Just like the song, this shot will keep you "Forever Young"

Mitt Romney -  CNN/Tea Party Debate

Wasn't it Creedence Clearwater Revival who once said: "Some folks are born made to wave the flag, Ooh, they're red, whit and blue. And when the band plays "Hail to the chief", they point the cannon right at you.?"

Mitt Romney: hire all young people to be temps at his former company, Bain Capital, where they will all “mysteriously disappear.”

Temp Agency: Foreign Sweatshops are hiring now

"Where did the temps go? I guess they're on a permanent coffee break..."

Ron Paul CNN/Tea Party Debate

Ron Paul - You have to admit he's right because he's so right, he's left, right?

Ron Paul: If we get rid of government entirely and put all the kids on an island, it will devolve into “The Lord of The Flies” and the kids will kill themselves, end of story.

Boys fighting in movie "Lord of the Flies"

Survival of the fittest

Huntsman CNN/Tea Party Debate

Rick Huntsman says "yes to teen spirit, no to adult spirit"

Jon Huntsman: suggested that all young people follow the example of Kurt Cobain and commit suicide, thus preventing the need for Social Security.

Kurt Cobain

Do the economy and yourself a favor. Listen to Nirvana a couple hundred times and then end it.

Newt Gingrich: suggested that by giving everyone paper routes and lemonade stands we could create a “full employment” economy and also pretend everyone was still a kid and thus not entitled to Social Security.

lemonade stand

Geepers! Newt says we can just wish ourselves into full employment!

Herman Caine  CNN/Tea Party Debate

Either you explode yourself in the flameout arena, or you're terminated by a Sandman. It just makes sense.

Herman Caine: championed an opt-out policy whereby everyone who reached the age of 30 would voluntarily blow themselves up or be terminated by Sandmen, just like in the science fiction movie “Logan’s Run.”

People getting blown up in movie "Logan's Run"

"Never give benefits to anyone over thirty"

Rick Santorum  CNN/Tea Party Debate

Rick Santorum warned about Social Security a long, long time ago...

Rick Santorum pointed out that he had predicted the social security system would fail a hundred years ago, long before the program was created, but did not have any concrete plan.

1910 Gentlemen

"I say, I predict that someday the stock market will crash, then they will create a program to help poor people, then later there will be another stock market crash, and then I will recommend getting rid of said program"

All the candidates agreed that the Tea Party was a really, really great party and promised that if elected “relatively few” poor old people would die in the streets.

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Michele Bachmann’s Job Plan: Bring Back the Industrial Revolution

Dirty child laborers from the industrial revolution

Hey, Who Needs Health Care When Pollution Will Kill Us Anyway?

(Washington, D.C.) In her rebuttal President Obama’s speech on job creation before a joint session of Congress yesterday, Michele Bachmann criticized Obama’s speech for being vague rhetoric and instead suggested a more specific “nine point plan” for job growth:

Michele Bachman speaking at podium

Michele Bachmann describes the Great Leap Backwards


1) Immediately repeal all laws that protect air and water from pollution
2) Repeal the minimum wage
3) Reduce the minimum age for employment to three
4) Remove all corporate taxes (hell, they’re not paying them anyway)!
5) Repeal the Dodd–Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act. Bring back the days of the robber barons!
6) Repeal job killing regulations. Get rid of OSHA–watch out for your fingers and toes, kids.
7) Increase free trade agreements. That companies agree to trade until America is free of jobs!
8) Spur new investment in America, if rich people feel like it.
9) Frack baby, frack!

Black and white photograph of children operating a spinning wheel

What goes up must come down -- Spinnin' wheel got to go 'round

“If elected, I’ll implement this right away. Times are tough, but just think of it–the whole family out in the workplace. And those kids are going to look so damn cute in those overalls!”

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Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream to Offer Ice Cream That Tastes Like Perspiring Testicles

Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream is releasing a new flavor, “Sweddy Balls” to celebrate the classic Saturday Night Live sketch in which two women on a cooking show, played by Ana Gasteyar and Molly Shannon, interview Mr. Pete Schweddy about his product, Sweddy Balls.

>>I’m not sure what sweaty balls taste like, but I’m sure it’s not “vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum, fudge covered rum balls and milk chocolate malt balls.”

Here’s the sketch in case you haven’t seen it:

 

 

The legendary actor, comedian, and perennial favorite SNL host appreciates keeping the laughs going. “For a long time, I thought that ‘Here Lies Pete Schweddy’ would end up on my tombstone,” said Baldwin. “Now, thanks to Ben & Jerry’s, the goodness of the Schweddy family recipe won’t go with me to the great beyond.” The flavor, available nationwide, features Fair Trade vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum and is loaded with fudge covered rum balls and milk chocolate malt balls. The combination is a melding whose time has come, deadpanned Baldwin, “It is immortalized here, right now, and it’s an ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s and Schweddy. Two great names in American dessert, together at last.”

Fan favorite SNL cast member Ana Gasteyer shared a cup of cheer at the announcement of Ben & Jerry’s latest flavor as well: “The Schweddy Balls sketch was a personal favorite from my SNL run, so I am pleased as holiday punch that Ben and Jerry’s has taken it upon themselves to share the Schweddy Family recipe with the world. As a person and a performer, I am a sucker for holiday balls. And I have no doubt this ice cream will cause many to scream ‘Good Times,'” said Gasteyer.

Ben and Jerry’s Offers Sweddy Balls

 

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Dog Suckles Pigs

Greedy Pigs of Wall Street Suckled by Capitalist Running Dog!

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