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Republican Solution for Social Security: Stop Young People from Getting Older
(Tampa, FL) Throughout the Republican Presidential debate sponsored by CNN and the Tea Party, the candidates differed on exactly how to save the ailing Social Security system, but they did agree on two points:
1) seniors now in the system must get the same benefits
and
2) young people not yet in the system must not be allowed to get any older.
Here are their specific “anti-aging” plans:
Michele Bachmann: critcized “Obamacare” and its “death panels” and instead suggested instituting “Bachmanncare” with high school student serving on “termination committees”
Gov. Rick Perry: laid out a plan whereby twelve-year-olds would receive mandatory “everlasting youth” shots along with HPV shots.

Wasn't it Creedence Clearwater Revival who once said: "Some folks are born made to wave the flag, Ooh, they're red, whit and blue. And when the band plays "Hail to the chief", they point the cannon right at you.?"
Mitt Romney: hire all young people to be temps at his former company, Bain Capital, where they will all “mysteriously disappear.”
Ron Paul: If we get rid of government entirely and put all the kids on an island, it will devolve into “The Lord of The Flies” and the kids will kill themselves, end of story.
Jon Huntsman: suggested that all young people follow the example of Kurt Cobain and commit suicide, thus preventing the need for Social Security.
Newt Gingrich: suggested that by giving everyone paper routes and lemonade stands we could create a “full employment” economy and also pretend everyone was still a kid and thus not entitled to Social Security.

Either you explode yourself in the flameout arena, or you're terminated by a Sandman. It just makes sense.
Herman Caine: championed an opt-out policy whereby everyone who reached the age of 30 would voluntarily blow themselves up or be terminated by Sandmen, just like in the science fiction movie “Logan’s Run.”
Rick Santorum pointed out that he had predicted the social security system would fail a hundred years ago, long before the program was created, but did not have any concrete plan.

"I say, I predict that someday the stock market will crash, then they will create a program to help poor people, then later there will be another stock market crash, and then I will recommend getting rid of said program"
All the candidates agreed that the Tea Party was a really, really great party and promised that if elected “relatively few” poor old people would die in the streets.
Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream to Offer Ice Cream That Tastes Like Perspiring Testicles
Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream is releasing a new flavor, “Sweddy Balls” to celebrate the classic Saturday Night Live sketch in which two women on a cooking show, played by Ana Gasteyar and Molly Shannon, interview Mr. Pete Schweddy about his product, Sweddy Balls.
>>I’m not sure what sweaty balls taste like, but I’m sure it’s not “vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum, fudge covered rum balls and milk chocolate malt balls.”
Here’s the sketch in case you haven’t seen it:
The legendary actor, comedian, and perennial favorite SNL host appreciates keeping the laughs going. “For a long time, I thought that ‘Here Lies Pete Schweddy’ would end up on my tombstone,” said Baldwin. “Now, thanks to Ben & Jerry’s, the goodness of the Schweddy family recipe won’t go with me to the great beyond.” The flavor, available nationwide, features Fair Trade vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum and is loaded with fudge covered rum balls and milk chocolate malt balls. The combination is a melding whose time has come, deadpanned Baldwin, “It is immortalized here, right now, and it’s an ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s and Schweddy. Two great names in American dessert, together at last.”
Fan favorite SNL cast member Ana Gasteyer shared a cup of cheer at the announcement of Ben & Jerry’s latest flavor as well: “The Schweddy Balls sketch was a personal favorite from my SNL run, so I am pleased as holiday punch that Ben and Jerry’s has taken it upon themselves to share the Schweddy Family recipe with the world. As a person and a performer, I am a sucker for holiday balls. And I have no doubt this ice cream will cause many to scream ‘Good Times,'” said Gasteyer.
Ben and Jerry’s Offers Sweddy Balls
Posted in Weird News
Tagged Alec Baldwin, Ana Gasteyer, Ben and Jerry's, ice cream, Molly Shannon, Perspiring Testicles, Saturday Night Live, SNL, Sweaty Balls
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Dog Suckles Pigs
Greedy Pigs of Wall Street Suckled by Capitalist Running Dog!
Posted in Mental Videos, Weird News
Tagged animals, Capitalism, dog, pigs, Wall Street, weird
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