(Tampa, FL) Throughout the Republican Presidential debate sponsored by CNN and the Tea Party, the candidates differed on exactly how to save the ailing Social Security system, but they did agree on two points:
1) seniors now in the system must get the same benefits
and
2) young people not yet in the system must not be allowed to get any older.
Here are their specific “anti-aging” plans:
Michele Bachmann: Obama is Making People Old on Purpose
Michele Bachmann: critcized “Obamacare” and its “death panels” and instead suggested instituting “Bachmanncare” with high school student serving on “termination committees”
Dems: more old people = more social security supporters
"Give 'em STD shots with my magical "eternal youth" serum
Gov. Rick Perry: laid out a plan whereby twelve-year-olds would receive mandatory “everlasting youth” shots along with HPV shots.
Just like the song, this shot will keep you "Forever Young"
Wasn't it Creedence Clearwater Revival who once said: "Some folks are born made to wave the flag, Ooh, they're red, whit and blue. And when the band plays "Hail to the chief", they point the cannon right at you.?"
Mitt Romney: hire all young people to be temps at his former company, Bain Capital, where they will all “mysteriously disappear.”
"Where did the temps go? I guess they're on a permanent coffee break..."
Ron Paul - You have to admit he's right because he's so right, he's left, right?
Ron Paul: If we get rid of government entirely and put all the kids on an island, it will devolve into “The Lord of The Flies” and the kids will kill themselves, end of story.
Survival of the fittest
Rick Huntsman says "yes to teen spirit, no to adult spirit"
Jon Huntsman: suggested that all young people follow the example of Kurt Cobain and commit suicide, thus preventing the need for Social Security.
Do the economy and yourself a favor. Listen to Nirvana a couple hundred times and then end it.
Newt Gingrich: suggested that by giving everyone paper routes and lemonade stands we could create a “full employment” economy and also pretend everyone was still a kid and thus not entitled to Social Security.
Geepers! Newt says we can just wish ourselves into full employment!
Either you explode yourself in the flameout arena, or you're terminated by a Sandman. It just makes sense.
Herman Caine: championed an opt-out policy whereby everyone who reached the age of 30 would voluntarily blow themselves up or be terminated by Sandmen, just like in the science fiction movie “Logan’s Run.”
"Never give benefits to anyone over thirty"
Rick Santorum warned about Social Security a long, long time ago...
Rick Santorum pointed out that he had predicted the social security system would fail a hundred years ago, long before the program was created, but did not have any concrete plan.
"I say, I predict that someday the stock market will crash, then they will create a program to help poor people, then later there will be another stock market crash, and then I will recommend getting rid of said program"
All the candidates agreed that the Tea Party was a really, really great party and promised that if elected “relatively few” poor old people would die in the streets.
