![\"\"](\"https:\/\/fishandcheese.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/06\/Lulu-Lockjaw.jpg\" "\\"Illegal")
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Jammer\u00c2\u00a0 Lulu Lockjaw, Santa Cruz Derby Girls<\/p>\n
(photo by Joe Rollerfan)<\/p>\n
Roller derby is the fastest growing sport in the world for young women. The first team to play the modern or flat track style was the Texas Rollergirls in 2003. Today, there are almost 800 amateur derby leagues spread over 8 continents.<\/p>\n
Every sport has it’s ranking systems. These systems allow a relative order to be established and sometimes use complex logarithms(math) to arrive at retrodictions (predictions about the past) to establish a pecking order. Many objective and subjective criteria can be added to the equation that eventually will establish a relative ordinal ranking. If you’re totally confused by the previous 3 sentences, so am I. Too many words. Too many syllables. Too much to process.<\/p>\n
In the sport of roller derby, there are many ranking systems. There is Flat Track Stats, the DNN Power Rankings, Dyte Rankings, All-Knowing Derbytron and the WFTDA rankings. These are for skaters, refs and people who have sold their souls to derby. And math nerds.<\/p>\n
Most of the people at any derby \u00e2\u20ac\u0153bout\u00e2\u20ac\u009d are fans. They are the families of skaters, friends, people who are sleeping with the skaters or have thought about sleeping with the skaters (which is just about everybody), curious sports fans, women in comfortable shoes, hipsters, and stalkers. These fans know little about the strategy or intricacies of the sport itself. They show up, entertain themselves and wonder about only one thing other than where the rest room is: Who The F*%K Is #1? So that’s what I will title my ranking system. WTFI#1<\/p>\n
1) Montreal <\/strong> They’re French and I have a weakness for svelte French girls. And everyone loves Montreal. I may be a pig but I’m not going against this juggernaut. <\/strong><\/p>\n 2) Big Easy (N’awlins)<\/strong> They’re also French and they have an annual event, Running of the \t\t\tBulls, where they skate down Bourbon Street and spank their fans \t\t\tas the fans pretend to escape. Now THIS is how you build a fan \t\t\tbase, people. Some teams are obsessed with winning, \t\t\tprofessionalism, high production values and using their real \t\t\tnames. Big Easy knows how to put bodies in the stands. Smack your \t\t\tfans on the ass and they’ll come crawling back begging for more.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n This looks like more fun than visiting my favorite website, SpankMe.com<\/p>\n 3) Boston <\/strong>I’m from Boston \t\t\twhich makes me a Masshole. I’m going for the home team, this is my \t\t\tfriggin<\/strong><\/em>‘<\/strong> ranking system so Boston is #3, \t\t\tgoddammit<\/strong><\/em> <\/strong><\/p>\n 4<\/strong>) <\/strong><\/em>Windy City<\/strong> Val Capone is from Chicago and she \t\t\thates Journey even more than I do.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Val Capone says, “Journey Sucks!” Are you gonna argue with her? I think not<\/p>\n (photo by Liz Henry, from Flickr)<\/p>\n 5) Madison <\/strong> My ranking system is infallible. It uses The Columbia \t\t\tSupercomputer at NASA’s Advanced Supercomputing Facility at Ames \t\t\tResearch Center<\/a> . Legions of database engineers and Super \t\t\tGeeks conspire to create advanced algorithms that will reshape the \t\t\tderby ranking system. The data used : Montreal beat Rat City, \t\t\tRat beat Philly, Philly beat Steel City, Steel City beat \t\t\tNashville, Nashville lost to Oly, Oly beat Rocky then lost to \t\t\tRocky twice, Rocky beat Gotham, Philly lost to Rose and Gotham but \t\t\tbeat Madison which results in Madison at #5. The engineers surmise \t\t\tthat the super computer began developing human feelings towards \t\t\ttall blonde Amazon warrior Milk Maids from the Midwest or perhaps \t\t\tjust went with the last team entered in the equation. Either way, \t\t\tthe algorithm needs to be tweaked. <\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n MILK MAIDS? This young derby fan just learned the hard way, they might look like they serve milk, but they don’t.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n 6) Rat City <\/strong>I drink lots of \t\t\tcoffee. Thick, black, sludge-like rocket fuel that makes my heart \t\t\texplode. In fact, I’m writing this after drinking my version of an \t\t\tIrish coffee car bomb. I brew triple strength coffee in a 20 oz \t\t\tpint glass and drop in a quadruple shot of espresso. This is how I \t\t\tstart my day, every day. I drink these nonstop until dead \t\t\trelatives beckon or my heart explodes. Usually the latter. Coffee \t\t\twas invented in Seattle, I think, so Rat is #6<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n 7) West Jesus Immaculate \t\t\tContraptions<\/strong> It’s been said that Jesus died for our sins but \t\t\tpersonally, I think he jumped ship ’cause he was bored with \t\t\tprofessional sports. God loves roller derby and West Jesus is \t\t\tGod’s team.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Jam Jesus C-Note Kracker Wack:<\/strong> The new head referee for the West Jesus Immaculate Contraptions<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 8) Jet City<\/strong> I once lived in \t\t\tEverett, Washington before some unfortunate misunderstandings with \t\t\tlaw enforcement personnel led to multiple incarcerations. Jets are \t\t\tcool and I always wanted to be a fighter pilot but I flunked the \t\t\ttest so was forced to work on computers and as a greeter at \t\t\tWal-Mart.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n I designed my WalMart uniform myself. It was a big hit in the unemployment line.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n STAY TUNED FOR PART <\/strong><\/em> <\/strong> 2<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Jammer\u00c2\u00a0 Lulu Lockjaw, Santa Cruz Derby Girls (photo by Joe Rollerfan) Roller derby is the fastest growing sport in the world for young women. The first team to play … Continue reading <\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a> <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n