Romney Promises to Treat American People Nearly as Well as Dog He Strapped to Top of Car

Posted on January 12, 2012 by troutboy
Stuffed dog on car roof with sign "Dogs against Romney"

Mitt wants to keep you on top!

(Washington, D.C.) Mitt Romney explains to Fox News about the time he once strapped dog Seamus on top of the car for a 12-hour ride back in 1983.

“Look, this was an air-tight kennel. He liked it better up there than inside. It’s like with this whole talk about income inequality. It’s all about envy. Some people get to ride in comfort on the inside of society eating Mallomars, and some people get to ride at high speed on top in a box, shitting in fear.”

“I believe in a merit-based system. You work hard, get an education, and if you’re lucky we’ll clean out your diarrhea-filled box and we won’t ship your bones off to China.”

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Fish And Cheese Endorses Vermin Supreme As President!!!

Posted on January 12, 2012 by troutboy
Vermin Supreme for President

Vermin Supreme: An End to Gingivitis, A Pony for Everyone.

(New York, New York) Online Blog Fishington Cheesington Post endorses a candidate for the first time, Anarchist candidate Vermin Supreme. Mr. Supreme, self-proclaimed Emperor of the New Millennium and friendly fascist, is running on a platform of:

  • Mandatory toothbrushing with detention facilities for those who don’t brush.
  • Requiring all Americans to give up a kidney.
  • A pony for every American (which will also act as a mandatory ID).
  • Harnessing the awesome power of zombies to create alternative energy.

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Christ Bleeds to Death on Tea Party Member’s Lawn

Posted on December 28, 2011 by troutboy
Jesus on the cross

Why have you forsaken me? And for God's sake why wouldn't you recognize me?

(Tuscaloosa, AL) Jesus Christ bled to death today on the lawn of Tea Party member Herman Balstock in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Mr. Balstock, although a regular churchgoer, did not recognize the Son of Man, nor did he attempt to help him.

“Christ, I thought it was some weird kind of Occupy protest or art thing or something. Here’s a weird hippie guy, covered in blood and hanging on a cross. He looked kind of familiar, but I couldn’t put a finger on it.

Tea Party Guy's House in Tuscaloosa

A modest home of a church going man turns into a modern-day Calvary

“Anyway, no way was I going to help him. I figured I was going to end up paying his medical bills, just like Obamacare. Like Ron Paul says, if a guy gets hit by a car and doesn’t have insurance, let ‘im die. It’s not my problem.”

“I called 911 and I peeked out my window from time to time until the cops came, but I was trying to hang my new flatscreen so I could watch Jim Cramer on the CNBC. Got to keep your eye on the markets. And a little Skinimax. Don’t tell the wife.”

Jim Cramer

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Anonymous Voted Sexiest World’s Sexiest Man!

Posted on December 15, 2011 by troutboy
People Magazine - Anonymous - Sexiest Man Alive!

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW ON HIS LOVELIFE, HIS LIKES AND DISLIKES, AND HOW HIS REFUSAL TO LIST “DEMANDS” REFLECTS NOT A LACK OF FOCUS BUT THE EMERGENCE OF A DISTRIBUTED FORM OF POLITICAL DISCOURSE BORN FROM THE INTERNET AND TAKING A SIMILAR FORM

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Egyptian Army to Protestors: Sorry We Killed You. Our Bad. Wanna Play Sims2?

Posted on November 26, 2011 by troutboy
Egypt army guy shooting at crowd

"Halt or I'll shoot! Wait, I already shot. Sorry."

(Cairo, Egypt) After killing 40 protesters in Tahrir square in Cairo, Egyptian officials posted an apology on its Facebook page:

“The Supreme Council of Armed Forces offers its regrets and deep apologies for the deaths of martyrs from among Egypt’s loyal sons. The council also offers its condolences to the families of the martyrs across Egypt.”

“But we still need to keep cracking down. So we’re not sorry about that.”

“Hope you’re still interested in playing Sims2 with us.”

Egyptian protesters carry man

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