(Arlington, VA) After announcing his withdrawal from the race for the Republican Presidential race, former speaker Newt Gingrich also revealed his latest political ambition: to become Emperor of the Moon.
“There are incredible resources up there. Â Besides the green cheese, there are rocks that may contain things like iron, nickel and aluminum. Â Plus rare earth minerals that are vital for hi-tech and defense.”
“As Emperor, I’ll be able to create whatever laws I want. Â No more namby-pamby three branches of government. Â No regulatory commissions. Â Just pure unfettered capitalism.”
“And as Emperor I’ll also finally be able to have as many wife’s as I want. Â As Mel Brooks said in The History of the World Part I, ‘It’s good to be the King.’ Did you see that movie? It was hilarious!”
"It's Good to be the King. Â Of the Moon"
“Anyway, I’m thinking of bringing Michele Pfeiffer, Julia Roberts, Scarlatt Johansky [sic] and, just to prove I’m not racist, that hot Black lady, RuPaul.”
Newt’s Lunar Ladies:
“Then soon as Bush and Cheney grab some oil and fill up enough water tanks from the land they bought up in Paraguay, they’re gonna rocket on up and join me for some moon-cheese grits.”
“Haliburton will get all the contracts for my moon castle and fortress. Â The Earth’s environment will have already been ruined, but we’ll be all set. Â And if we run out of anything, I’ll rain down weapons on them just like something out of James Bond’s enemy in “Moonraker.”
“See, everyone thinks I’m well-read, but I spend most of my time watching old movies in my bathrobe  and thumbing through Sparknotes.”
“I’ll leave Mitt down below to act as my minion and wring whatever last drops of natural resources he can out of the Earth.
“I’m having one of the original Apollo astronaut spacesuits let out as we speak. Â Can’t wait!”
