First of all, this title is misleading and unnecessary. Lady GaGa needs no defending. Especially not from someone like me: a middle-aged, straight, white guy whose musical taste runs more to garage rock, punk and Inuit throat singing. She is one of the fastest rising artists in the history of modern music. Everyone seems to have an opinion on her. Most of it positive. Until a week ago, I ignored her and her music. Until now.
I must admit I have a crush on Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta and a big woodie.
I have a confession to make. I hate most “dance†music with a passion. This is probably due to having my 20-something dating life destroyed by the disco fad of the 1970’s. With the exception of the superb Donna Summer/Giorgio Moroder collaborations, disco really and truly sucks. It sucked 35 years ago, it sucks today and it will suck 50 years from now. All the cute girls in the 70’s and 80’s were into disco. Like lemmings off a cliff they streamed into the local plastic nightclubs and met up with phony plastic men with lots of chest hair, tight polyester pants and gold chains. They rutted in the backseats of Ford Torinos, AMC Pacers and Chrysler Cordobas and produced a generation of maroons. Complete Idiocracy. While human beings the world over grow taller, become healthier and more robust with each generation, in America we’ve seen a decline in SAT scores and general intelligence since the late ’70s. And I blame it on disco.
I worked as a bartender in a disco in the mid 2000’s. It was run by a local Mafia wannabe, wiseguy or whatever you call a greasy loser who is a professional Italian and surrounds himself with sleazy, porcine women. This “disco†hadn’t changed in 30 years. I wanted to kill myself the first night after being assaulted by Michael Jackson, Madonna, Christina Aguilera, Brittney Spears and other talentless hacks. But I needed the money so I stayed. I learned to tune out all the bullshit music but every once in a while a good song would penetrate my thick skull armor. It was usually Latin salsa.
Professional Italian and douchebag Vinnie
But a week ago I chanced upon a music video that penetrated the thick layer of kevlar that covers my brain. It caught my attention mid song just as the chorus began to build. The video featured a crew of scantily clad, hot, buffed, young people jumping around like poodles who’d just been given caffeine enemas. Just another exercise video masquerading as a dance song the cynic in me thought. But the music was insistent and looking away from the screen didn’t shake it. It sucked me in and forced me to listen. What I discovered was just about the most perfect “dance†song ever recorded. A scintillating rave-up of feel good sentiment, eccentric wacky science fiction and life-affirming vigor driven by a naughty bouncy beat.
In the future, people will look back with nostalgia and remember where they were the moment they first set eyes on Lady GaGa’s “Born This Way†video. It really is that memorable. I can’t remember where I was because of all the short term memory loss and senility but I do know it was special. Very special.
I know someone that knew Lady Gaga when she was in high school.
He acted in plays with her and he says she was quiet and kind of a nerd.
I can just image “Stef” sitting by herself in the cafeteria, wearing a “hello kitty” sweater and eating a tuna fish sandwich with the crusts cut off.
But with half the guys wanting to Poker Face.