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CNN’s Wolf Blitzer Reportedly Distraught That Interview With Bomber’s Cat No Longer Relevant

New York, NY – While publicly expressing joy over the capture of Dzhokar Tsarnaev, the remaining suspect in the Boston Marathon bombing, journalism legend Wolf Blitzer is said to be “deeply disappointed” that his interview with the suspect’s cat Fluffy will not air following the apparent closure to the case.

“Wolf felt this would be his last best shot at a Pulitzer, and his doctor has him heavily medicated to suppress his disappointment that his groundbreaking work will never see the light of day,” said a family friend.

North Korea Admits to “Secret Crush” on United States

(Pyongyang, North Korea) Rogue state North Korea admitted today of a “secret crush” it’s long time adversary, the United States.

“Yes, it’s true,” It said, hanging its head. I could never it admit it before, even to myself. But my feelings are too great.”

“It was sooo obvious,” said close friend and neighbor, China. “Everybody knew. North Korea was pretending to be like ‘I hate the U.S., the U.S., I’m going to bomb them’ they kept Googling them, checking out their Facebook page and tweets…c’mon!”

Despite Salient Filibuster Point, Rand Paul Still Completely Berserk

In a rare display of sanity bordering on moral courage, Kentucky Senator and Tea Party loon Rand Paul began a talking filibuster that actually made sense – questioning whether it was OK for the U.S. government to kill Americans via drone attack – before veering off into his trademark incoherent paranoid gibberish.

Paul initially surprised Senate watchers with his common sense quest for answers as to whether or not the government can arbitrarily smite Americans on their home turf, before devolving into his usual torrent of blathering incoherence; referencing Adolf Hitler, Jane Fonda and Ayn Rand in a schizo-affective word salad that re-assured his Tea Party supporters that he was not in any danger of forming coherent arguments anytime soon. “Are you going to just drop a hellfire missile on Jane Fonda? Are you going to drop a missile on Kent State?” Paul asked a befuddled Senate. “That’s gobbledygook.”

In order to sustain his insane screed without running out of alleged “ideas”, Rand incorporated the help of fellow Republican ninnies,including Marco “Drymouth” Rubio, racist asshole Saxby Chambliss and new GOP Rodeo Clown Ted Cruz. Democratic Senator Ron Wyden accidentally wandered into the fray while looking for a pen, before realizing there were photographers in the room and quickly exiting.

“We were worried that he started taking medication for his deteriorating mental condition or something,” said one GOP official. “But after a few minutes we realized he was just as fucking crazy as ever.”

Some Republicans Finally Agree Punching Women in Face Not Such A Hot Idea

Today Congress passed the Violence Against Woman Act, despite the opposition of 22 Republican Senators and 138 Republican Congressmen, who apparently forgot that they were not conceived by immaculate conception.

“We just thought it was a little harsh,” said one congressman of the bill. “I mean, there’s no exemption for drinking. What guy doesn’t like to cuff his wife around a little after a few shots?”

Congress then went into recess, so the congressman can return to their districts to presumably sleep on the couch.

Rubio SOTU Rebuttal Reveals Boehner Not Only GOP Leader with Drinking Problem

In his rebuttal to President Obama’s State of the Union speech on Tuesday, rising GOP star Marco Rubio was hoping to show America that he was the new face of the Republican party – and possible competition for the corpulent Chris Christie in the 2016 presidential race. Instead, his handlers are preparing to ship him to the Betty Ford Image Rehabilitation Center for his “drinking problem”.

Rubio’s problem was obvious right from the get-go, as he continually licked his lips and gave the appearance of a man desperately in need of a drink throughout his rebuttal, before finally caving in, seizing his water bottle and feverishly gunning down the drink in front of millions.

“Maybe he shouldn’t have eaten all those salty nut logs right before he went on camera,” said one GOP observer. “I mean, Christ, he looked like a goldfish that just jumped out of his bowl the way he he was gasping for water.”

Political observers say that although the appearance was “disastrous”, Rubio’s career could be revitalized with time.

“At least he’s not drinking what Boehner drinks,” said a GOP operative. “Then he’d really be fucked.”

Boehner Tells America to “F*** Itself”

(Washington, D.C.) It has been reported that in the middle of negotiations to avoid the “fiscial cliff,” Speaker of the House John Boehner pointed at Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and exclaimed “Go Fuck Yourself!” after Harry Reid had characterized Boehner’s House leadership as being a “dictatorship.”

The Fishington Cheesington Post only wishes this were only a joke, and not a clear indication of all the classiness that Republicans possess.

It also wishes that Reid and the Democrats were able to send a clearer message to Republican leadership.

Later, Boehner apologized to Reid, chuckled and explained he meant no disrespect to the Senator, and that his remark was a reflection of the official Republican viewpoint that the average American should go fuck themselves.

Boehner Planning To Go On “Epic Bender” Say Aides

Washington, DC, January 2nd, 2012 – Following a humiliating year which has his role as Speaker of the House in jepoardy, John Boehner is “looking forward to really tying on the feed bag to blot out all memories of the past year” according to aides.

“He’s really had to hold it together through the holidays, and now that the “fiscal cliff” debacle is behind him, we fully expect him to be sucking down a couple of gallons of scotch each day,” said an aide who requested anonymity. “I think we’re going to reserve a bed at the Betty Ford Clinic for ‘exhaustion’ for him, just to be safe.”

The aide further stated that both President Obama and Tea Party favorite Eric Cantor – who is rumored to be in line for Boehner’s speakership – should expect to be the recipient of some “vitriolic drunk dialing in the next week.”

Texas Arms All Nursery School Students

(Austin, TX) Expanding upon the “Guardian Program” in Wilbarger county that arms teachers, The State of Texas has now mandated training and arming all nursery school students.

“So far the program has been very successful,” Explains Wil “Wild Bill” Wilkersen, director of Texas’ newly-founded Lil’ Commandos Nursery School.

“We’ve got the NRA in here, they bring in all their literature about the proper use of firearms. Of course, our kids can’t read yet, so you have to explain the pamphlets to them. Sometimes we just use lots of pictures and songs.”

“The gun manufacturers have been very helpful too. We got some special weapons that they’ve designed for us that fit the hands of our little angels better. They’re seeing a great business opportunity here, just as we are, so it’s kind of a win-win. Except for Mister Stranger Danger,” He explained, laughing heartily.

“And the kids love the guns. Especially the boys. We just set up some cans in the back and they just blast away! Their accuracy’s not great at first, but we’re pretty confident that by the time they hit the 3s-4s they’ll mostly hit the bad guys and not the teachers…”

“Plus, they already spend so much time crawling on the ground, they make a pretty hard-to-hit target!”

God Considering Smiting Huckabee

A source close to God says that he is seriously contemplating “either smiting or throwing some good sized lightning bolts into the ass of” Fox News commentator and former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, following his controversial remarks claiming that the real cause of the tragic shooting is because “we have systematically removed God” from public schools.

“He’s pretty pissed,” says the source, who asked to remain anonymous even though God pretty much knows who he is. “I think he’s getting a little tired of godless assholes like Huckabee mouthing off about what they think he wants. Honestly, if the Big Guy needed to have his ass kissed by a bunch of school kids everyday to feel good about himself, he wouldn’t be much of a God, now would he?”

The source went on to say that God is considering removing ‘In God We Trust’ from all the U.S. currency. “It makes him feel dirty,” he said.

Honey Boo Boo is CNN’s “Most Intriguing of 2012”

(Atlanta, GA) CNN.com surprised the journalistic world today by designating child beauty pagaent star Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson the Most Intriguing Person of 2012, edging out North Korean leader Kim Jong Un.

The only other newsworthy figures were Trayvon Martin, the Florida teen tragically shot earlier this year and Grover Norquist, Republican lobbyist and douchebag.

“I’m so proud of my little angel!” Honey’s mother exclaimed. “She pushed Obama, Romney and Kim Chee (sic) clean off the list!”

CNN Editor-in-Chief Bobo the Chimp explained the choice of the diminutive TV “star”:

“Chee-chee! Woo-woo-woo-woo!”

(Roughly translated: “Yeah, we admit we’re not even pretending to be a news organization anymore. We just throw out a lot of shiny objects to distract people from what’s really going on. Who really wants to read about Syria or budgetary problems anyway?”)

Palestinians Get UN Observer Status, But Complain View is “Lousy”

(New York, NY) In an historic move, the United Nations has upgraded the status of the Palestinian delegation from “non-member observer entity” to “non-member observer state.”

But controversy has already erupted, as Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas immediately complained that the seats were “lousy” and he “couldn’t see a f***ing thing.”

“Once again the Palestinian people are being persecuted. How can we be truly observers when we’re seated all the way back here? I tried to see the guy from Argentina talking and he looked like an ant or something. And there’s a support column right in front of me. I’m constantly moving my head back and forth to see what’s going on! Then India keeps poking me from behind, which totally pisses me off.”

“Israel’s got much better seats. They’re closer. They’re in the center and they’re NOT BEHIND A POLE! I tried speaking up about this, but everyone was like ‘You’re just an observer, na na na…'”

The Israeli delegation countered by saying that the Palestinians were “just trouble makers” and charged them with firing projectiles at them, namely rubber bands wound around their projectiles.

“We were minding our own business when I felt something hit my neck.” Ambassador Haim Waxman claims.

“I turned around and I noticed the Palestinians turn around real fast with dumb smiles on their faces and pretend to pay attention to the guy from Norway talking about oil tariffs. Abbas was shuffling some papers and tried to look serious, but then he cracked up and so I totally knew it was him.”

“I agree with them observing here. But put ’em in a glass booth where they can’t talk or throw anything.”

“By the way, Israel reserves the right to defend itself. We have shield system made of books. We also have accumulated a number of crumpled up papers and we’re not afraid to use them.”

Ann Romney “Thankful” To Be Away From “Those People”

Belmont, MA Nevember 23rd – Ann Romney, still in a state of shock over her husband’s defeat, told a reporter from Rich White Ladies Home Journal that she was grateful for at least one thing following the election – she no longer had to speak to or touch anyone that was “beneath her”.

“I must have gone through a 55 gallon drum of Purel during that campaign,” said a heavily sedated Romney. “I washed my hands more times than Lady MacBeth .”

The interview was conducted on Thanksgiving at the Romney’s Belmont Estate, where the Romneys dined on their traditional holiday meal, “Endangered Species Jubilee” a mixture of White Rhino, Galapagos Tortoise and Red Wolf, accompanied by the favorite family beverage, Tears de Poor Enfants, 2007, a elixir derived from the tears of poor children, separated from their homes during Katrina.

“It’s just so nice to be back home, where you can treat servants the way they’re supposed to be treated,” Romney elaborated. “It’s not like they’re real people, like corporations.”

LATE BREAKING REPORT: OBAMA JUST WON, DUDE!!!

(Somewhere in Suburbia, USA) Tuesday, November 5th at approximately 11:36PM, some college kid on Youtube who was carefully monitoring the election returns on CNN has just announced on the phone to his buddy that “Obama just won, dude.”

“Like, I’m not an Obama supporter by any stretch of the imagination, but Romney is fucking crazy, though…

“Well, I don’t like any of them, but better than Romney, I mean, both of them are manipulative pieces of shit, but at the same time, you know, Obama is less than Romney.”

“I’m thrilled that Obama won, but like, at the same time he’s not all good like everyone cracks him up to be. But Romney’s fucking crazy.”

And floating in the ether, the ghost of Harry Reasoner was seen shaking his head at the lack of verbal facility of the youth of today, but wryly smiling at their wisdom.

Romney Campaign Preparing to Launch “Doomsday Lie”

Insiders from the campaign of Republican nominee Mitt Romney are leaking a story that he is preparing to launch what theologians are calling “The Lie to End All Lies” to help swing the election in his favor.

Operatives from the campaign are tight-lipped about the specifics of the pre-election surprise – dubbed ‘Operation Pinocchio’ – but confirmed rumors that the lie will involve Fidel Castro, Romney’s unfiled tax returns, Jeremiah Wright, Obama’s forged birth certificates and college transcripts, the entire cast of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, the ghosts of Joseph Stalin, Abraham Lincoln and Amelia Earhart, a new line of electric Chinese cars called ‘Running Dog Motors’, a secret three-way affair between MSNBC pundits Rachel Maddow, Ed Schultz and Michelle Obama, and a Canadian health care official.

Romney has enlisted the help of right-leaning Canard Associates, the much-reviled PR firm that numbers BP, Koch Industries and Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology among its clients. The campaign will launch an all-out blitz on every conceivable media outlet, from Fox News to PBS to Mayberry RFD reruns on Nick at Night to the Real Wives of DC, and has booked sociopathic liars Bernie Madoff, The Serpent from the Garden of Eden, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Oliver North, Satan (in various forms) as well as the guy in the apartment next door who cheats on his wife by telling her he’s at AA meetings.

“This is huge, huge,” said one celebrity who for the first time in his career asked not to be named. “It’s bigger than all of the “Apprentices’ combined, even the Celebrity ones – which were all trememndous rating smashes – and all of the Miss Universe pageants since 2004.”

“Let’s face it, most of the people in this country are fucking morons,” said a high-ranking Romney operative who said he wished to remain anonymous in case the strategy backfires. “They’ll believe anything they see on television, and it’s worked so far, so we’re pretty hopeful about this strategy.”

Democratic strategists agreed, and had mixed reactions to the news ranging from panic attack terror to uncontrollable laughter, but scientists from the Center for Disease Control allayed some Democratic fears by stating that the steady stream of lies told by the Romney campaign during the past year may have innoculated the public from harm.

Terrorist Tries to Destroy U.S. Economy, Finds Wall Street Beat Him to It

(New York, NY) Outside New York criminal court, 21-year-old accused terrorist Quazi Mohammad Rezwanul Ahsan Nafis was shaking his head.

“My aim was to do something big. I hoped to bring down the U.S. economy. But I found out soon after arriving in the New York that it was too late. The job had already been done by Wall Street.”

“I should have know my plan to bring the American economy to its knees was a waste of time just based on the tips I was getting as a busboy. Or lack of tips. You guys are so screwed. It’s getting worse than Bangladesh”

“Yeah, I knew the guys setting me up were FBI, and I knew the explosives they gave me were phony. But I know how hard it is to find work in this country. They seemed to have their hearts set on it and I didn’t want them to lose their jobs.”

“I asked them if they could get me a bunch of high explosives, but I guess I should have just asked them to get me a job at Goldman Sachs. That would have done a lot more damage. Or hey, do you know if Romney’s looking for someone to make a few calls or something?”

Armstrong Leaves Charity, Eyes Pharma Endorsements

Livestrong officials breathed a sigh of relief as disgraced bike rider Lance Armstrong stepped down from the charity before his stink permanently affixed itself to the organization like a barnacle on a sinking ocean liner.

“Thank God. If I had to pretend that asshole was innocent for one more minute, I would have started praying to get cancer myself,” said one staffer.

“Now I can get on with what my life really has been all about,” said Armstrong. “Shooting juice in my ass, chasing chicks, and making money.”

According to insiders, Armstrong is being courted by Merck to peddle “GoGo Juice” and Dow Chemical for their new growth hormone made from the testicles of polar bears – “Grrrr”.

“I’m going to make so much money endorsing growth hormones, Mitt Romney’s going to ask me for a loan. Fuck dignity,” laughed Armstrong as he bit the head off a kitten while punching a grandmother in a wheelchair. “By the way, I’m still totally fucking innocent.”

Obama Beats Romney with Tire Iron

Responding to taunts from even the kids on his own Little League team that he “had no balls,” Barry Obama pushed Willard off his bike, stole his milk money, kissed his best girl and then beat the heck out of the former bully before about 75 million kids in the really big schoolyard last night after school.

Romney Lowers Expectations: Election “Not Really About Getting Elected”

(Denver, CO) Mitt Romney, in an effort to lower expectations about the upcoming Presidential debates, has pointed out that the election is “not really about getting elected.”

“It doesn’t matter who does well, it doesn’t matter who scores the most points, who gets higher polls or who wins the most electoral votes.”

“At the end of the day, it’s about who can express a better vision for America. Whether or not that vision is accepted. Because I may or may not win. And that’s okay. I don’t really care. It’s not like I really need the job.”

“President Obama is an outstanding debater and campaigner. He might win the election. He probably will. But it’s not like it’s a popularity contest or something.”

“Like they say in baseball, it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. Say, that’s and idea, when I lose the election, I just may buy a baseball team. Wait a minute, what kind of game do they play in China? That might be cheaper…”

Republicans Target Newly Registered Dead Voters

(Tallahassee, FL) Republican operative Nathan Sproul has revealed his strategy for winning the 2012 Presidential elections: go after the young, dead voter.

His company, Strategic Allied Consulting, has been accused of fraudulent voter registration practices, including changing prospective voters’ addresses, party affiliations, and even registering dead people as voters.

“We feel like it’s an excellent strategy. Dead people tend to go Republican. They’re more conservative, they don’t have brains, and they like Romney’s stiff, unresponsive style. Plus they’re almost as easily led as Santorum or Bachmann supporters.”

“We’re hoping to raise an entire army of dead people before the election. Not only will our candidate win, but our minions will be able to eat the entire Democratic party! Not even Reagan was able to do that.”

BREAKING NEWS: Shittiest Film in History Starts WWIII!

(Undisclosed Location) An anti-muslim film created by a man who calls himself “Sam Bacile” has caused riots in Libya and Egypt and is being blamed for a rocket attack that killed the U.S. Ambassador to Egypt.

Mr. Bacile’s identity is unknown. Fishington Cheesington post has been unable to find any mention of the putative real estate developer on Internet sources such as Google.com, Pipl.com or Intelius.com before the crisis unfolded.

But after reviewing the film, we understand why. It is undoubtedly the shittiest $5 million dollar film to ever start a World War.

Fishington Cheesington was able to track Bacile down for an interview.

“Look, I’m no filmmaker. I’m just an Israeli-born real estate developer who hates Muslims. Ok, the movie is shitty. Look at it. I’m sure you’re thinking your thirteen-year old nephew could do a better job. He probably could.”

“Actually, I pocketed most of the money I got from the CIA, Massad and the companies and got a college kid to shoot it for $2,000 in cash. Then I spent the rest at a Jewish deli. Did I mention I’m Israeli? And that I hate Muslims?”

“Maybe I’ll use some of the money to go to film school. After all, Speilberg is Jewish. I’m not sure that he hates Muslims as much as me. Although I understand the original version of Close Encounters of a Third Kind was called Close Encounters With the Cancer That is Islam and ET was EKT for Everyone should Kill the Towelheads.”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must turn on CNN to watch the end of the world as we know it.”

“Can We Be Funny?” “Why Start Now?”

Right after the attacks on 9/11, NYC Mayor Rudoph Giulani appeared on Saturday Night Live.

It was the only occasion that I’m away of in American television in which a popular television show had to get permission from the government to do comedy.

Producer Lorne Michaels asked Giuliani “Can we be funny?” Giuliani replied with excellent timing, “Why start now?

It’s hard to find this clip anywhere on the Internet, but it may be on Netflix, the “deep web” or in a NSA database.

Anyway, here are two excellent Post-9/11 clips from comedians.

David Letterman’s first show after 9/11. CBS keeps taking it down so this one is subtitled in Italian

Fishington Cheesington Obtains Romney’s TurboTax Files From Hacker!

(La Jolla, CA) The Fishington Cheesington Post, with help from the Anonymous hacker group (AKA high school sophomore Billy Pemberton of Peekskill, NY), has obtained Mitt Romney’s 2010 TurboTax files stored on his computer’s hard drive.

The fact that Mr. Romney listed income from offshore bank accounts was not surprising.

But more surprising was that, despite income, interest and dividends of more than 24 Million dollars, he had an income tax refund of more than 2.9 Million.

How did he do it? Well, it seems Mitt, like many Americans, has fudged his deductions quite a bit.

Specifically, he has claimed a fictitious dependent named “Seamus.”

While Mitt Romney did give more than $400,000 to the Mormon Church, he also listed a dubious deduction of 100 dog kennels to the Salvation Army.

Billy at this point is asking the Romney campaign to send the sum of $4,000 to his Paypal account or he will release the rest of the tax returns.

“But you know what? I’m throwing a house party next Saturday night while [next-door neighbor Jim] Holmertz’s parents are away, so if he’d buy for us we could work something out.”

Republican Delegates Puzzled by Standing Ovations

Republican delegates who attended last week’s RNC Convention admitted they were “stunned” by the cheering crowds and excitement at Tuesday’s Democratic Convention. “What the hell was that all about?” asked Georgia delegate Harley “Bubba” Thompson of Atlanta. “Did they have Hooters girls mud-wrestling or something? I thought conventions were supposed to be for pre-party napping – like church.”

The standing ovations for Mass. Governor Deval Patrick, San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro, and especially First Lady Michelle Obama registered a 5.2 on the local Richter scale, a sharp contrast to the “restful sleep chamber” (as it was described by one delegate) of the RNC hall last week. Venture capitalist Thurston Honeywell IVth defended the relative lack of noise and standing ovations in Tampa last week. “After a wild night of smoking meth and being pounded from behind by male prostitutes, it’s not that easy to stand up and cheer,” said Honeywell, who chairs the anti-gay group, “God Strongly Dislikes Gays”.

Daphne Bindlemeister, a hedge fund manager from Westchester, NY, and a Republican delegate, watched the DNC proceedings with a tear in her eye, told F&C, after watching Michelle Obama’s speech, “I’d probably vote for Obama – if he wasn’t a socialist Kenyan Muslim.”

Romney: I Will Bring America Prosperity During Last Days of Dying Earth

(Tampa, FL) Mitt Romney laid out his environmental policy at the Republican National Convention last night when he said, “President Obama promised to slow the rise of the oceans, and heal the planet. I promise to help you and your family.”

“During my administration, we will exploit every possible natural resource we can. I know how to exploit things. I’m a good businessman.”

“Our motto will be ‘Drill Baby, Drill. In fact, I’m appointing Sarah Palin as Energy Chief and she will go on television every day and cry out “Drill Baby Drill!” every hour on the hour. She will give each and every man woman and child a helmet and pickaxe. They will be expected to mine for coal and drill for oil all day, every day, to make sure the oil companies have enough profits–I mean we have energy independence.”

“We won’t try to heal the planet. We can’t. We’re fucked.”

“The best we can do is try to make as much money as we can, live it up until the country fries to a crisp or is covered with water, and then rocket off to Gringrich’s colony on the moon.”

“At least that’s me and the 1% plan to do. I hope the rest of you poor schmucks know how to swim.”

Senile Clint Eastwood Shits Pants, Drools, Outshines Romney

Despite his mumbling incoherently, defecating in his Depends and reminding America of how painful a disease Dementia is, the GOP scrambled to find a way to replace Mitt Romney at the top of the ticket with ex-movie star and surprise RNC Convention speaker Clint Eastwood.

“He’s just like Reagan, only a little more alive,” one GOP operative was overheard saying. “Let’s run him, he’s definitely more animated than Mitt.”

Condoleezza: Mitt Has Zero Support Amongst Black Voters Because Black Voters Don’t Care About Black Issues

I think the only political analysis we can make of this interview is WTF????

Republicans Vow to Make the World Safe for Totally Un-Funky White Dancing

Video by Corey Clark

“I Was Talking About The American People Being Legitimately Raped by My Party…”

(St. Louis, MO) Rep. Todd Akin made a follow-up appearance on KTVI-TV today to explain his controversial comment that women who are “legitimately raped” do not get pregnant.

“I mis-spoke and I’m terribly sorry. What I meant to say was that When the AMERICAN PUBLIC is legitimately raped by my party, they have a way of shutting down so they won’t get hurt. That’s what I’ve heard from an economist friend of mine.”

“See, I don’t support any kind of controls on Wall Street or banks because I know when the American public gets legitimately raped by them, it isn’t really affected.”

“If the American public complains about it, how do we know it wasn’t asking for it?”

“They shouldn’t have choice. There should be no exceptions. Even if the economy dies.”

Romney Searches for Off-Shore Money — Swears He Left it Next to Bloomberg’s Cooler.

(Bermuda) Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, on vacation in Bermuda from a successful week of fundraising, searched fruitlessly up and down the beach for several hundred million dollars he had stashed away.

“Dog-gonnit, I know it was somewhere around here. I think. I didn’t want anyone to get ahold of it, so I buried it in the sand next to Mike [Bloomberg]’s cooler.”

“It was a red cooler and he had it under a yellow and white umbrella next to a lifeguard station. I remember there was a fat lady lying on her stomach…”

“Problem is, everyone has those yellow and white umbrellas. They turn out to be rented. Which is weird, because on this beach everyone can afford their own umbrellas, so it’s not like we need any kind of socialist suntan-avoidance system.”

“And there’s like a million life guard stations and they all look the same.”

“Darn it, why did Bloomberg have to go off and get a Chipwich and leave me in the lurch?”

“Oh well, it’s not like I don’t have a bunch more money where that came from. I just hope Bloomy was a pal and bought a couple Chippies for Ann and me.”

“Us 1%-ers got to stick together.”

Tea Party Says Baby Killers Vote to Usher in Socialism!

(Arcadia, Iowa) Local Tea Party spokesman and owner of the “Sniper Shop Gun ‘n Gas” convenience store Jim Harbinger today condemned the Supreme Court’s decision upholding the The Affordable Care Act.

“This is it!” He fumed. “This means war!”

“I’ll be damned if some fancy lawyer in black robes is going to tell me I have to have health insurance! I don’t need it! My wife is trained as a nurse and she’s going to be tending to my needs while we’re in our heavily armed compound.”

“As for the people that get laid off when I close down my business, it’s their right under our system of government to buy health insurance if they have the money or die. I’m not going to get involved in that mess and neither should the government.”

“I’m just surprised the Chief Justice didn’t write his opinion in Chinese it was so Communist.”

“Dang! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to cash my disability check so I can buy so more ammo.”

JP Morgan Lose $2 Billion on Risky Bets Meant to Reduce Risk on Other Risky Bets That Other Companies Made. Or Something Like That.

Oh, Oh, Oh, Jamie’s Cryin’

(New York, NY) CEO Jamie Dimon disclosed Thursday that JP Morgan has sustained $2 Billion in trading losses.

The losses were caused by huge bets in Credit Default Swaps, the complicated insurance-like bets in credit markets that helped create the financial meltdown in 2008.

The bets were made by an illusive trader known as the “London Whale.” As far as Fishington Cheesington post, the Whale is not an actual whale, and may in fact be a fish or may be made of cheese or some other edible substance or not edible at all, even by Japanese people.

“Hey, I should have kept better track of all this,” Dimon admitted on a conference call. “I should have read the newspapers. I been paying attention. Arrgh, I’m so mad at myself! Actually, I don’t understand any of this more than the average guy. When I’m listening to some analyst jabber on in a meeting, I’m just nodding and thinking about getting which kind of steak I’m getting for lunch at Delmonico’s.”

“I do know that we were trying to reduce risk. Not risk to the bank that you have your account in. The risk to JP Morgan making money.”

“If I were you, I’d keep your money under your Beauty Rest. That’s where mine is.”

“Sorry, I’m going to have to end this call. I’m going to have some steak for lunch. Whale steak, I think…”

Biden Makes it Clear: I’m Really, Really Comfortable With Gay Marriage.

Vice President Joe Biden stunned the world this past Sunday by announcing on NBC’s Meet the Press that he was “comfortable” with the idea of gay marriage.

“In fact,” as he explained afterwards to this reporter, “I’m really into it. Totally. Like, if I wasn’t already married to a woman, I’d be out there looking for a guy to spend the rest of my life with. I’m that comfortable with it.”

“I’m really, really comfortable. You know how you have a favorite pair of sneakers and people make fun of you cause their so worn out, but you wear them anyway? That’s how I am with gay marriage.”

“I’m into it. When I dream, I dream in gay. See, I can say things like that and not be offensive, because in my mind, I’m already gay. I hope my wife dies so I can start planning my gay wedding. I guess I could start now, in fact.”

“Hey, does anyone know an open-minded dress shop in the D.C. area that could fit me with a gown?”

BREAKING NEWS

Newt Gringrich Bows Our of Republican Race, Declares Bid for “Emperor of the Moon.”

(Arlington, VA) After announcing his withdrawal from the race for the Republican Presidential race, former speaker Newt Gingrich also revealed his latest political ambition: to become Emperor of the Moon.

 

“There are incredible resources up there.  Besides the green cheese, there are rocks that may contain things like iron, nickel and aluminum.  Plus rare earth minerals that are vital for hi-tech and defense.”

“As Emperor, I’ll be able to create whatever laws I want.  No more namby-pamby three branches of government.  No regulatory commissions.  Just pure unfettered capitalism.”

“And as Emperor I’ll also finally be able to have as many wife’s as I want.  As Mel Brooks said in The History of the World Part I, ‘It’s good to be the King.’ Did you see that movie? It was hilarious!”

 

“Anyway, I’m thinking of bringing Michele Pfeiffer, Julia Roberts, Scarlatt Johansky [sic] and, just to prove I’m not racist, that hot Black lady, RuPaul.”

Newt’s Lunar Ladies:

 

“Then soon as Bush and Cheney grab some oil and fill up enough water tanks from the land they bought up in Paraguay, they’re gonna rocket on up and join me for some moon-cheese grits.”

“Haliburton will get all the contracts for my moon castle and fortress.  The Earth’s environment will have already been ruined, but we’ll be all set.  And if we run out of anything, I’ll rain down weapons on them just like something out of James Bond’s enemy in “Moonraker.”

“See, everyone thinks I’m well-read, but I spend most of my time watching old movies in my bathrobe  and thumbing through Sparknotes.”

“I’ll leave Mitt down below to act as my minion and wring whatever last drops of natural resources he can out of the Earth.

“I’m having one of the original Apollo astronaut spacesuits let out as we speak.  Can’t wait!”

 

Big Oil: Climate Change Real, Caused by Gays Stirring Up Fires of Hell

By Hank Troutboy

(Houston, TX)

Executives of major oil companies, backed by a group of snivelling scientist-like experts, announced that they had finally come to the conclusion that climate change was indeed real and caused by humans.

But unlike most Earth scientists, who believe emission of greenhouse gasses caused by emission of carbon is the culprit, the leaders of the Climate Lessons for Saving Earth Today (CLOSET) claim that the heating of the Earth is due entirely to gays “opening up the fiery pit of Hell with Sin and Fornication.”

In a statement written on the back of a Denny’s menu, chief pseudo-scientist Tom Bombadill put forth his simple theory. “God is angry. Hell is hot. Being Gay is evil. Evil people go to Hell. There’s a lot of gays because of Liberal media. Hell’s kind of backing up. Ipso Facto, Boom. Global warming.”

Hal E. Burton, chief spokesman for the Public Institute for More Petroleum (PIMP) put forth his own solution for Global Warming:

“First, hose ’em down. Give them one big cold shower to calm down their fornicating ways. Second, gather all the gays and lesbians in one place and force them to marry. Straighten them right the fuck up. Kind of like laminating two warped pieces of wood.”

“That way we can continue to make profits on oil. At least until we die in another ten years.”

Half of Internet Traffic Nonhuman, Mostly Republican

by Hank Troutboy

(Cyberspace)

According to security website Incapsula, only 49% of Internet traffic is made up of actual human beings viewing web pages.

The other 51% consists of teabaggers, far-right extremists, birthers, and other Republicans posting anti-Obama, anti-Liberal and xenophobic rants.

Source

Black Congressman Shot on House Floor For Wearing Hoodie!

by Hank Troutboy

(Washington, D.C.) Earlier this morning, Congressman and former Black Panther Bobby Rush was shot while wearing a “hoodie” jacket during a speech about Trayvon Martin.

Although he has served in Congress since 1993, Rush apparently was mistaken for a thief and shot by a self-appointed Republican “neighborhood watch.”

“We had no idea,” Sergeant-at-arms Dirk Diggler explained. “Who woulda thought a black guy in a hooded jacket belonged in the United States Legislature?”

The shooting took place during morning remarks. Soon after Rep. Rush began to speak about the tragic shooting of unarmed Trayvon Martin in Florida, Rep. Greg Harper, R-Mississippi, who was presiding over the House floor banged his gavel.

According to audio captured on CNN, a voice was heard calling out something that sounded like “Effing Coombs, they always get away!” and then a shot rang out on the House floor.

It could not be immediately determined if “Coombs” referred to Bobby Coombs the baseball player, Nathan Coombs, the founder of Napa, California, or Ernie Coombs, host of the long-running Canadian TV series Mr. Dressup, nor what any one of these men had to do with the shooting of Mr. Rush.

After being treated for a minor flesh wound, Representative Rush was censured for violating clause 5 of rule 17 prohibits the wearing of hats in the chamber when the House is in session, and for violating clause 6 of rule 18, looking “too Black.”

Speaking off the record, a prominent Tea Party House member told Fish and Cheese, “If someone looks suspicious, it’s best to shoot first and ask questions later. That’s what I always do. In fact, during the last State of the Union address there was a suspicious looking guy up at the podium. I felt my trigger finger itch. Then I realized it was the President.”

Featured Video: Kony 2012 Song!

You’ve seen the video.  You’re angry.  We are too.

That’s why we want you to watch our music video inspired by “Kony2012”.

Now are you fired up?  Then register with the Fishington Cheesington Post for our “I’m Gungho for African Intervention Even Though I Don’t Know Anything About The Situation Kit(TM)”

With the “I’m Gungho for African Intervention Even Though I Don’t Know Anything About The Situation Kit(TM)”

You get:

• A Map of Africa (You’re going to need it, since Kony hasn’t been in Uganda for years!)
• A Gun!
• A “Peace? Man, That’s So 60’s” T-Shirt
• A Handy Guide “How to Tell Which People You Should Kill From Which Ones You Shouldn’t, and What to do When You Realize the People That Live There Probably Don’t Want Us There.”
• A Personal “Thank You” Note From Each Oil Company Chomping at the Bit for That Ugandan Oil!
• A List of Other Issues You Are Being Distracted From, Like Global Warming, Unemployment, Hunger, Politics in Your Own Neighborhood, City, State or Country, Governments Spying on Us, Corporations Spying on Us, and Don’t Forget Corrupt Politicians and Financial Institutions.

Featured Video: 1 Million Irish Setters Against Mitt Romney!

(by Nate Kazerian)

A guy who would strap his dog on top of the car for a 12-hour drive to Canada is just the kind of heartless bastard we need in the White House!

Like “1 Million Irish Setters Against Mitt Romney” on Facebook!

Featured Story: In Panic Romney Renounces Mormonism, Finds Jesus

by Johnny Plankton

In a move that detractors are saying will go down as the most coldly calculating and desperate maneuver ever attempted in a Presidential campaign, Mitt Romney will announce this week that he is renouncing his Mormon faith after “accepting Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior”.

more…

Huntsman Realizes He’s Not Mental Enough for GOP, Quits Campaign

by Johnny Plankton

John Huntsman, who suffered his final humiliation when his poll numbers dropped below those of late night talk show host Steven Colbert, called it quits and endorsed fellow Mormon, Mitt Romney.

“I guess what it all comes down to is that I’m just not fucking crazy enough,” said Huntsman. “So I’m giving my endorsement to fellow Mormon Mitt. At least he’s telling the Tea Party to go fuck themselves.”

South Carolinians are happy to see him go. “Good riddance,” said GOP voter Jimbo Hatfield, “He’s completely out of touch with America. “He believes in evolution, global warming, and wants to let queers marry. Next thing you know, he’ll free the slaves.”

Anonymous Voted Sexiest World’s Sexiest Man!

FISH AND CHEESE EXCLUSIVE- ZAPRUDER CAMERA PROVES WHO ASSASSINATED JFK!

Featured Video – Swimmin’ in My Money Like Scrooge McDuck

Smokey ft Juelz Santana & Severe

Featured Video – “Move Your Money”

George Bailey from “It’s a Wonderful Life” convinces you to move your money from the Potters of the world to small neighborhood savings and loans.

Created by Eugene Jarecki and the “Move Your Money Project”

For more info, go to:
http://moveyourmoneyproject.org/

Featured Video – “Heard it on Fox”

In this catchy music video we explain how people pick up lies from the news media and they get spread around like a bad cold:

Join the Fish and Cheese community to let us know how you feel!

Political Satire and Social Commentary by Henry Harvey and Michael Hoban